DrPeppar: juli 2003 Archives

All my food for tomorrow is now ready. I also made a salmon broth that put into the freezer and of which I am going to make a Tom Yam soup from later on.

8 hours and 57 minutes until they arrive. Apparently the air conditioning is broken on the train so they had something like 32 degrees in their and could not sleep. If they open the window is sounds way to much. Loud noise or overheating. Nice choice.

I stopped watching Femme Fatale because I didn't have any subtitles and half of the dialogue in the movie seems to be in french. Watched a bit on Joe Somebody (boring) and a bit on The Sweetest Thing (boring). Continued with the remake of Solaris (boring) and finally watched the whole 28 days later. Ahh now that is my kind of movie. Everybody dies, a new kind of plague. Like the night of the living dead with zombie like people trying to eat everybody. Woohoo. Yes I am tired :-)

I'll better get some sleep then as I have to get up before 7.00 tomorrow. The bus leaves at 07.30.

I just HAD to take a break. I am totally overheated. It's 29 degrees in the house...

I cycled down towards town with my bike cart, got as far as Porsön centre when I realized that I didn't have my wallet with me. Cycled back home and then down town. Got there at 11:48 and decided that I was eating out today. Baan Thai. Thai buffée. Yummy and after a while so full :-) Bought 40 roses, mixed colors for Johanna and 2 small salmons. Headed for Kvantum where I shopped some more, tons of food. Got home at 14.00, unpacked and rested until 15.00 when I started all the cooking. It is now 17:15 and the two brunch breads are down, the cheese cake in the oven for the second bake and the dough for the ciabatta and breadsticks is currently growing. I put fresh peaches into the sweet brunch bread. Looked very good but I haven't tried it yet. It is the kind that you cannot cut until you eat it the first time.

Sigh, I am tired and I now resting on the couch watching Femme Fatale.

Well god morning to you all. My day phase shift worked fine as I woke up at 07.20 and got up at 08.10 after tossing and turning a bit. It felt really nice to wake up in a clean house. Not tons of cloths lying about in the bedroom and the bathroom smelled clean. It was a delight.

Today is my welcome home preparation day. I am going to go shopping and I am going to bake an american cheese cake. J's favorite. For breakfast tomorrow I planned we will have fresh fruit (pineapple, different melons, strawberries and kiwi) together with a ciabatta and breadsticks (both home made of course). T really liked breadsticks when we were in Egypt earlier this year. Well, so did I :-)

If the weather and T's mood holds we will head out for a picknick during the day and for that I planned my favorite brunch bread. Both the sweet and non-sweet but the latter without bananas as J cannot stand them. I'll use peach and pineapple instead. Yummy.

For dinner I planned sushi but we might be too tired when we get home so we might save the sushi for Saturday and eat something easy instead. Perhaps pizza to celebrate? I know T wants pizza anyhow :-) She always does.

12 red roses on the table when she gets home will do nicely as well. Or should I bring them to the train station when I meet them? What do you think?

Now I have finished by breakfast and I am going to make a shopping list and head out into the summer heat. It is "only" 26 degrees in the shade.

Take care and please be happy!

It feels like I have been cleaning ALL DAY, but I haven't. The house is now polished and shining clean. Woohooo. I applied the 15/15 rule when doing the cleaning which helped a lot, i.e. 15 minutes cleaning and 15 minutes doing fun stuff. It comes from The FlyLady. If I would have been a real FlyBaby, I would only have had to clean for 15 minutes in total, but as I am not I cleaned actively for about 2 hours. It is really nice when it is done though!!

Only 1 day, 10 hours, and 2 minutes left now!! I cannot hardly wait. J called today and said that yesterday she missed me so much so she already started packing. Nice! I liked that.

After all the cleaning I was beat and ate some food (the very last of my stew. I actually ate it twice today, both for lunch and for dinner. But now it is gone.... Watched Agent Cody Banks. Rather entertaining movie. I liked it, and that is good as J is going to force me to watch it again with her :-) Grade: 4 out of 5 pepper corns.

During my cleaning pauses I read some more in the first of my nanotechnology books. Very interesting indeed. Highly recommended reading.

Listened some more on Per Gessle's new album and I must say that you get tired of it quite quickly. It is not really Gyllene Tider quality. Downloaded some U2 and some more U96 during the day as well!

It is now 22:20 and I heading for bed!!

Got into bed around 21 yesterday and started reading a new book (Pappa Polis) and around 21.20 I turned of the lights. Slept like a log until 06.00, turned around and next time woke up 07.20. Really tired but forced myself to go up.

Started the day by downloading some new music, my old favorite U96. All my U96 music got lost about 1.5 years ago due to a disk crash. I like them and found some new re-mixes I hadn't heard before. This is an interesting effect of downloading music via the Internet. Not only is it so much cheaper but also you find new strange versions of all songs. Like e.g. all the bootlegs and master tapes I found with Beatles last week.

Next, tried to come to a conclusion about which ISP to connect to via my new fiber connection. LuNet (the city net operator) is going to send out new papers "soon", but I am still curious. The one with the best information on the net is Tele2 and they seem the most professional. Telenordia is no more, and the Internet part is now Bahnhof. The others are Arrowhead (my friend Jalle has them at home at he pukes over their bad Internet access every week, i.e. it is broken quite often) and finally Internet5 who just confuses me with their information on their site. I guess I am going to go with Tele2. Independently of whom I choose I am going to have to live with NAT at home as I will only get one public IP address. With my current connection (company ADSL) I have as many public IP addresses I like via LTU.

Some links:
Erik found a nice extension to DreamWeaver for editing Moveable Type sites. Just some XML info and much more is needed but it is a good start. Installed, tested and it does what it is supposed to do.
The blind hen proposes that we should trade in seats for lunch restaurants, just like stocks. Head over and read it. It is really funny and might become a reality???

It is now 10.20 and my girls will arrive in 1 day, 22 hours, and 2 minutes! Woohooo. Today is house cleaning day but first a quick shower and then some breakfast. I guess I sound like Alfons Åberg, "Skall bara....".

Kiwotsukete ne.

I have now been up for 33 hours and it might be time for bed. I have watched a whole bunch of movies, read tons of blogs, but I haven't heard anything from J. The girls are now with her mother in Jönköping and I still haven't spoken with my mother in law since the break up. Yes, I am a coward! :-/

Not much to write about when you lay on the sofa since midday.

I am still alive and strangely enough I don't feel sleepy. Has somebody slipped some drugs into me?

Anyhow, I have been really busy this morning. First I got a visit from the local energy company (Luleå Energi) that suddenly wanted blow fiber into my house and I said of course, welcome. So they did that :-) Right now I have high speed ADSL with 5.5Mbps down and .75Mbps up. With fiber I will get 100 Mbps both ways with 10 Mbps guaranteed. Yummy.

Right after the fiber guy left, flextronics showed up with new memory for my computer that I called Dell about yesterday. Now my computer is working fine again. It is amazing what a big difference 512 MB versus 1024 MB makes in my computer (yes I run a lot of stuff).

After that I played detective over the phone. In the beginning of July I was stupid enough to pay in advance for an Internet order. Hey, it was a Swedish company that had been around for several years. Only when I didn't get any package from them I found out that they had gone belly up, but their Internet shop was still open and was automagically sending out order confirmations with instructions on how to pay. Anyhow, I talked with their stock broker, district court and finally the lawyer firm handling the bankruptcy. The company will start over from scratch with new owners and my chances to get any package from them is very slim according to the lawyer I talked with. It wasn't the case handler so the information was not final. He will be in tomorrow and hopefully I will get some more information then.

Not bad for a brain on vacation and without any sleep, right?! :-)

And it is getting warmer and warmer. Right now it is 23.8 degrees.

Isn't sleeping all overrated? Well, I think so. No sleep for me today. This morning I have already managed to consume Maid in Manhattan and Serving Sara. Just image how many movies one can watch if one doesn't sleep?!

The sun is shining and the sky is blue. Perhaps I should take a ride around town? Hmm.

Well, I still haven't gotten into bed again and my sleeping habits are just getting worse and worse. On Friday morning I have to get up at 07:00 to meet the girls at the train station. I know I am going to be very sleepy that day :-(

At least I got the new Per Gessle album downloaded. I have only listened to a bit of and so far my favorite is Om du bara vill. I have always enjoyed Per Gessle. My all time favorite is Billy with Gyllene Tider.

Good night and Kiwotsukete ne.

For the first time in several weeks I haven't been able to fall asleep. I tossed and turned and my mind was rumbling around work work related things. Hmmmmm.... So I went up and read some blogs and watched another episode of Friends (1x05). Now I feel really happy, not sleepy but happy :-) I feel a bit like Chandler after him drinking 8 espressos.

By the way, am I a blogaholic? I cannot stop reading all your lovely blogs, Anna, Angela, Håkan, Elin, Mark, Kalle, and many more! It feels like I am getting to know you all.

Kiwotsukete ne.

I just back got back town, after a several hour long shopping spree, ALONE. The longest ever in my life :-) I bought more stuff both for the house and for Johanna and Tovah than I can count from memory. I cannot say what as that would spoil the surprise when Johanna gets here.

I also got my Nanotechnology books today. 4 of them.

Ahhh, summer. I love the summer. The sun. The best part is being able to be outside all the time (when it is not too hot that is). Right now it is a bit cloudy and 22 degrees. The wind is blowing slowly and I am drinking the and eating grapes on the porch. Ahhhhh. Lovely.

Now it is only 3 days, 14 hours, and 52 minutes until my love returns.

I was sitting as a good boy chatting with Johanna. I had just finished my lunch and told her I was heading down town, and know what. IT STARTS RAINING. I hate rain......

No I have to stay inside instead.

Yesterday, I went for a long bike ride when it was as warmest (28 degrees!!). After about 17Km I stopped at OBS to buy some sour milk (filmjölk) and ended up buying food for 338:- including some unhealthy potato chips that I ate during the evening and in turn made my sick, uaaaaaahhhh. Too much fat. It is like a drug. I cannot stop while there are still some left in the bag. In total I biked about 30Km in the heat and I was really beat when I got home. During my ride I only saw completely normal people, not a single Gunnar. But then again it is hard to meet people when cykling. A whole bus of finish tourist waved to me though, that was fun :-) Why? Well, my bike isn't the most normal. There are two in Luleå and my family has both :-)

Dinner was left overs from the day before, my stew that I ate this time with rice. Yummy. It is the kind of dish that gets better each time you eat it :-)

In the evening it rained for the first time in two weeks. It really poured down. The kind if rain you see closer to the equator, in Florida or Asia.

For once I got into bed in a decent time (midnight) and the reason was that Blipp (my main desktop) had gotten kranky (i.e. it crashed) and today I manage to conclude that one of the memory DIMMs is broken. DEEEEELLLLLL, give me a new one NOW. Pulled it out and now the machine spins on nicely.

After breakfast I am heading down town to buy a huge salmon and some presents. Hope they have a good price today.

Kiwotsukete ne!

On my way to work (if I walk) I pass a prison. Most of the time it looks just empty but when the light is right you can actually see the inmates sitting at a desk reading or you can see them outside in the yard laughing in the sun and e.g. building a new shed. When I pass by there I always wonder how it would be to be locked up in such a place. Well I have a destructive mind some time, or I am just curious, or perhaps it is just human nature?!

So how did think of this right right now? Well I was reading steffenie.net | loblogwhatever - fängelsedagbok and she found a Swedish prison diary. Looks very interesting...

As I wrote earlier today, "I Feel Good", I headed out in the garden, cut the lawn, got rid of all the weed around my poor strawberries, cleared my second garden area and planted some seeds, and got hungry. Headed inside and ate my stew with cooked potatoes. Yes, I put some beans in it. Yummy :-)

After the food I got really tired, hey I am on summer vacation and ended up before the TV again :-) Watched the rest of Pulp Fiction, Basic with John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson (boring), and Who Am I with Jackie Chan which was very funny and I can highly recommend it! Chatted a bit with Johanna (love you, my lemon pie :-), cleaned up in the kitchen, sorted today's incoming movies (1.8GB per hour :-) and ended up with some Blog hacking (RSS, reading others etc.) and here we are at present time and I should have gotten into bed at least two hours ago.

All in all, it has been a very good day. Hmm, I think I will finish of the day with a short story from SexNovell.com ;-)

It can be a tedious task to keep track of all Blogs that have changed and after reading "RSS i MovableType i Sverige" I decided that to test an RSS reader and SharpReader in particular. It is a rather convenient way to keep track of all the Blogs you are reading.

Yes, I do! I woke up 10:30, read some for an hour and got up around 11:30. Told myself that I would only start some music on my computer but got stuck there instead, started downloading some Beatles from a someone that had a big collection. Many old albums, both real and bootlegs. Right now I am listening to Beatles for Sale from 1964. Beatles are the best!!!! I feel good.

Felt rather pepped, took a shower, shaved and headed down to the kitchen. PIP PIP. Got a message from Johanna, YES, I didn't hear anything from her all day yesterday and I was a bit worried that she was upset and angry with me. The reason for her absence from cyberspace wasn't that at all, but her mother who was visiting yesterday had decided to stay the night and had just left. I gave her (Johanna that is ;-) a call and heard Tovah screaming in the background. Apparently she was very upset and tired today. Johanna, emphasized that she wasn't mad with me at all, quite the opposite. She was longing for Friday when she got back to Luleå. We quickly decided to go bathing on Friday with a picknick, I really hope the weather stays this good. Now I am listening to Beatles Please Please Me. These older albums are so good and mostly unknown (i.e. they are never played on the radio, if they play any Beatles at all). I feel good.

Cleaned up the kitchen, for the first time since before I left for the mountains it is all clean and started making dinner. A long boiling stew that I am going to eat tonight. It is basically a tomato sauce with tons of spices in which I cook bacon and pork meat. It should cook long enough for the meat to fall to pieces. I haven't decided if I am going to put beans in it or not. Mmmm, it smells nice in the house. I feel good.

Now I am heading out in the sun to cut the lawn. Catch you all later! I feel good, I really do, mmmmm!

I just got back from a ride around town, a little trip of about 25Km. It so nice just cruising along on my bike. It took about 55 minutes and it actually was the first time I took this trip out to Gäddvik. I had only passed that way by car earlier. It is amazing how much energy can be stored up inside you by doing nothing. I haven't really done anything physically for a week, besides going up and down the stairs in the house that is :-) I feels so good!

I spent the rest of the day sorting my movie collection that is getting way to big with quite a lot of duplicates. Right now Blipp (one of my computers) is recoding all my Ren & Stimpy cartoons. They are really funny :-) The cleaning actually gave me another 73GB of free disk space.

Johanna said she like my Blue Wind Haiku and that made me happy :-) I feel really good today!! They are coming home in 8 days, 7 hours and 59 minutes and I have already started planning that day (food, activities and much more, froom froom ;-).

Perhaps I should skip breakfast and go directly for lunch? I still have reached the shower (well I am alone ;-) and my hunger has come and gone.

By the way, Johanna wasn't to keen on moving permanently to the south pacific ;-)

Perhaps we should move to the south pacific? That is what Mark and Carla did together with their two daughters. Read about why they moved.

What do you say Johanna?

Woke up at 10:30 and sat down in front of the computer where I had planned to sit for 5 minutes, but as it is summer nothing goes as planned :-) I have now been sitting here for 4 hours and perhaps it is time for some breakfast.

I have been surfing, making changes to my blog page, reading other blogs. I.e. not doing really anything :-) I love it!

Well, NOW it is time for a shower and the something to put into to feeding gap in my face.

For the first time in several days it felt like I had some energy and I think it has to do with the Haikus I discovered yesterday. Everytime I write one I feel all pepped up and ready to go and do something usefull. I cleaned up most of the kitchen and then I went out for a bike ride and ended up on a field next to Björkskatefjärden trying to write a haiku and reading some. Next I went to "after work" for the first time in several months. Had a pizza and when I got home I talked a bit with Johanna and then chatted with her for a over an hour. Nice.

After I posted my last message I started feeling much better. I had a nice chat with Johanna and Marcus sent me a very nice supporting email as well. Thanks!!

I spent the rest of the day watching movies and it is now time to end this day in preparation for a tomorrow. I have to get out some tomorrow and do something useful. Perhaps pull some weed in the strawberry garden or take a long bike ride.

The house is so empty and everything is so pointless if you don't have anyone to share it with. Johanna and Tovah are coming home in 10 days, 14 hours, and 53 minutes. I still haven't unpacked everything from the holiday in the mountains. I feel really miserable.

The party last saturday was nice, we ate nachos, sang songs, grilled and played games but unfortunately around 23 I started feeling lonely and depressed and a bit sick. I had planned to stay the night, but left with Sofie, Rotax, Erik and Sonja around 2:30. During sunday I at least unpacked all the non-food items, but got stuck watching movies until 02:00. Today I have only watched movies. I don't even have strength to go and check the mailbox.

By the way. I got a lovely letter from Tovah yesterday:

"ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooojmfvvvjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjkliooyyyyyyffffffffff vvcddddddddzzl.........tgbbynutv
nyvttttynnnntvvvnyyttynnnnrtgrrrtrr4444

Jag älskar så mycket pappa
Jag älskar så mycket pappa yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuutii hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh kjbgtrufg0cd8uttibnhjuyh
ju n

tovah
pappa

jag behöver tårta"

Johanna today said that she wants to move back to the house when she gets back to Luleå, at least for a while. It makes me so happy. Thanks Johanna :-)

I did absolutely nothing today! Watched TV, surfed, played Monopoly, ate leftovers, chatted. Didn't even go outside.

Wow :-) I am proud of myself. I managed to just be in the present.

I have some great news today. Johanna decided to start wearing her wedding ring again. Woohooo :-) Johanna, I love you.

Me and Johanna has had some nice conversations the last days and I really miss her. I would very much like for us to get together as at least I feel that that is the right thing for us and I really hope we will get along nicely during the rest of the year. I am very positive that we can accomplish this though.

Sunshine, You are my light.
Sunshine, You are my friend.
Sunshine, You are my walking partner on the road of life.
Sunshine, You are the best.
Sunshine, You make me happy.
Sunshine, You touch my heart.
Sunshine, You make me want to curl up next to you.
Sunshine, You are the most beautiful person in the world.
Sunshine, You are my everything.

Sunshine, I love you.

By the way, the sysadmins are rebuilding the computer server system during the weekend and all email handling is down. It will most likely be up again on monday (or late sunday). I will try to read email when I am up in the mountains and hopefully find some time to write in the blog.

Everything I do, I do for you.

I miss your scent,
I miss your touch,
I miss your looks at me,
I miss your hair,
I miss your presence,
I miss watching TV with you,
I miss lying on the sofa with you,
I miss getting reactions on all the strange names I invent for you,
I miss how you light candles everywhere,
I miss talking walks with you,
I miss holding your hand,
I miss touching you,
I miss waking up next to you,
I miss cooking for you,
I miss everything about you,
I miss You, my love nanna.

I have had a nice day. Brunch at SODA with Goggi, Tina and Stefan. A first for me (SODA that is), the place was very nice but the food could have been better. I had a warm chicken sandwich.

After that I got a haircut, bought some presents for Tovah and Johanna and during the evening I did some virtual shopping with Johanna. It lasted over 2 hours :-)

Right now I am watching the "classic" Crash. A rather strange movie about people getting "hot" from car crashes. Right now they are getting sexually aroused by watching a swedish car test movie with crash dummies flying around :-) I said it was strange, didn't I?

During the day I also planned the Riksgränsen stay, the dinners. I thought we would start the stay on saturday with a Jamie brunch bread and gratinated onion soup and pancakes for dinner. Yummy!

I didn't turn out the lights until 04:00 and pushed myself out of bed at 10:00. I just cannot keep sleeping until 12 every day. Son saturday I have to get up early anyhow for my trip to the mountains (early equals around 0800). I had a quick chat on the phone with T and J. Lovely They were going swimming.

Now I am going to cut the lawn in the sun.

Got "stuck" in Tina's diary. It is very powerful and I feel very privileged to be allowed to share your thoughts in this way. I especially got very touched by your entries about all the legal issues regarding Ronja and your last husband. I cannot even wish that to most hated enemies (not that I actually have any of those, but anyhow).

Now for a late night snack and then I HAVE to go to bed.

Tomorrow night Jalle is coming home again. Jalle, I have really missed you. You are my dearest friend.

Jalle and I are going up to the mountains around Riksgränsen on Saturday for nice environments, nice food, long talks, and playing games. I look forward to it.

Hmm, this looks like a love letter ;-) Well, that doesn't change the fact that I miss you, my friend.

Had one of those strange days again. Waited all day to get to talk with Johanna and felt totally beat. During the evening I emailed and chatted with J and it felt very good after words. We did some virtual shopping together :-) I miss you J!!! Cannot wait until you come back to Luleå so I can cook you the best dinner ever :-)

During the night I created a Blog for my friend Tina. "Tinas Blog". There isn't much there yet but it is only less than an hour old :-) A new born....

There is so much nice underwear in the world for all lovely ladies.

They say that pearls go with all occasions. How about these?

These aren't bad either.

Or perhaps a gown?

So many nice things ;-)

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was convincing the world that he didn't exist.

Talking about divorce can be very agitating. I had a very wonderful day and then the subject of divorce came up again and I got very depressed. I had misunderstood some details. Once again an example of too little communication and I taking things for granted. Of course, this doesn't mean that the subject cannot be discussed, just that I have to be more careful in what I take for granted, i.e. nothing.

Good night.....

I have had a very lovely day. Woke up by Johanna waking me up via phone at 10:00, lovely. Then I did my sit- and pushups. Had breakfast watching two episodes of Ren&Stimpy cartoons followed by not so lovely fight with the printer (reported earlier today). After that I cycled down with my bike to Paket Service for its transport to Växjö for summer service. I had a HUGE box in the trailer on the way there and then walked back home again. Had a long chat with Johanna (lovely) and then ate fajitas and tacos while watching the original versions of the The King and I with Deborah Kerr and Yul Brynner. A very lovely movie indeed. I have the remade on DVD and perhaps I should watch it tomorrow?! After the food I had a short talk with Tovah and Johanna followed by a 2 hours bike ride around Svartöstan. Getting back home I talked with my father and ate a couple of sandwiches. After that I watched a very lovely british TV mystery, "Midsomer Murders - Painted in Blood". I really enjoy these british detective stories :-) The weather was all perfect.

A lovely day indeed.....

The rest of the day was very good. Bought some nice presents over the Internet for Johanna and had a nice talk with her when she couldn't sleep. Sent her a poem as well :-)

Perhaps I should repaint the living room? The current greenish isn't to nice. Perhaps terracotta instead?

Good night.....

I woke up at 09:30 by the working people playing loud music. I stayed in bed and red a book but after 30 minutes I decided to sleep some more and I slept on and off until 12:30 when I decided that I had to get up. I got all the way to the sofa eating breakfast and watching a movie (Casino). Stayed there until 14.15 when I took a shower and headed down town for a date with my optician.

Downtown there was a market fair with all the normal garbage and I got back home around 17.00 and made some dinner. FInished the movie and cleaned the house a bit, watered all the plants. Followed by getting some expense reports done which I am heading down to the University right now to deliver.

Yet another fulfilling day ;-) The only really nice part was a long nice talk with Johanna, thanks :-)

I did go down town for the concerts but I couldn't find the first one. Does anybody know exactly where the big scene in the northern harbour ("stora scenen i norra hamn") is? I have no clue. I ended up cycling around cape Gültzau and I found out that the Gültzau concerts had just ended. So I continued to Cementa and looked at the four huge ice breakers there. At least I know where the cathedral is and I got in just as the concert started. It was 40 minutes with Maria Sundelin on vocal and Daniel Johansson on guitar. Not the best concert I have heard but still enjoyable. And I got out of the house!!

Now I am going to make myself a milk shake!!! Yummy!

In the last days I written a few things that I shouldn't have. I have bantered about women in general in a way that is not appropriate and right. I of course don't mean that all women should be exported to Siberia or that they are evil. A apologize to all that have been offended by this. I was wrong in writing it.

I just saw a fun movie about three divorced men and the dating, the picking up and leaving children and all the anxiety that comes with that. Watching this movie it hits me that I hardly have any friends that have any children or are married or divorced. Hey, I am 32 years old. Hmm, perhaps I don't have so many friends either? Anyhow, it was one of those movies that made me think about my own situation (again!). A central thing in the end was about the father that wasn't around and wasn't there for his children. I don't want too end up like that. I know many people live alone and manage very well with that but I guess I don't have the practice (yet).

Women is the very essence of life, aren't they? Perhaps god created the woman first, in the light of the shining sun when everything was perfect. Then god fell asleep and when he/she woke up it was all cloudy and he created man in a yawn. All men are so boring, so ordinary while women are beautiful, smell wonderful and light up the day. Women are evil. They twist mens' minds. They make them do things they don't want to do. Am I synical? I guess so.

Oh well, I can't just sit here at home. I am heading down town to listen to some music. Do I have to? I know I wrote I would but I no longer feel like it.

I am feeling like am going to be sick or something. I have chills in my whole body and feel down. It might be just that I haven't slept enough lately. Perhaps I will feel better tomorrow as I have planned to attend two concerts. 19.00 Middle ages music and 20.00 there is a concert in the Luleå main church. There is also the Gültzau rock festival going on at the same time. One day at a time....

Good night cruel world.

I just got back from the Computer Club BBQ and I have realized finally that I no longer am a computer nerd. I have suspected this for some time, but it finally hit me. I get so bored with all the pointless computer talk. Anyhow, the food was rather good and I went home early due to feeling a bit dizzy due to my new eye lenses I am testing out. Yes, that is the physical change I was talking about the other day. Now I can be cool with my Ray Ban sun glasses, if there was any sun out that is.

That was nice. Of course it rained a bit on me but it was very relaxing. Just riding along on my bike. It is like meditation for me. I pedal along and forget about where I am. It is a my way of relaxing. I should do it more often (readers, feel free to remind me when I feel down). A quick shower, a shave and I am new man.

Where did the summer go? It is only 14 degrees today and I am heading out for some cycling. A 15 Km high speed round should be perfect. I have unfortunately gained weight again. Too much food.

I stayed up until 0400 reading, woke up at 1000 and continued reading until 1200. Reading is fun but I cannot stay in bed all day, or can I?

Tonight is the Ludd summer party, starting at 17.00. Hopefully there won't be any rain this afternoon. My friend Håkan and Sara are out paddling in a kayak. Hope they have a splendid time in the cold weather!!!

And too all my readers, I just want to say:

Don't do anything I wouldn't do, and for your own sake don't do everything I do!

Yesterday evening I realized that Johanna is still my love and I want to focus on getting together with her again. Our joint problem has been that we haven't been talking with each other and during the night I tried to bring up everything I have been holding back during the last years. I did this via a long email (yes I know it is not talking about it but it is a start, right?!) and after I wrote it I felt very good. I felt relieved. Johanna's worry is that she is not my first choice, but rather something that comes in second place when there is nothing better around. But she is wrong in having that worry. I have now realized that she is the right woman for me and I very eager to try to find that feeling of real love we had for each 12 years ago. I must say that I actually feel very good.

After sleeping 7 hours I felt really rested and got up full of energy. For the first time in a month I actually felt like working. I had to work today as I had to hand in a final version of a paper for the MMNS 2003 conference in Belfast, where I am going in september. For dinner I had a guest, one of my most eager blog readers, my graduate student Mikael Drugge and after that I planned to go down town to listen to the Gültzau rock festival, but I got stuck with some emailing and landed in the sofa before the TV with a laptop, surfing and watching bad movies.

Women, cannot live with them and you cannot export them all to Siberia. Although I sometimes wish that was possible. Wouldn't it make life easier???? Perhaps a bit more boring, but still much easier.

Adultery is a sin I have committed. It is nothing I am proud off. I used it as an excuse instead of talking with my wife, Johanna. Adultery doesn't solve anything. I just got a question from a friend if I wanted my wife to find out, and the honest answer is yes. I wanted to get a real excuse for talking with her. I know, this was a very bad way of getting her attention. I have completely ruined my wife's trust in me and I totally understand that she is very disappointed with me. The damage done is very grave and probably can never be fully repaired, no matter what I say or do for the rest of my life. Even if we do go separate ways I hope we can stay friends for ever and that she won't hate me (now or in the future).

Why did I commit it then? Well, when it happened I was rather blasé about our marriage. I just didn't care anymore what happened. I didn't care enough to take a discussion or fight about something. Some people say you should not, fight but I think a verbal fight now and then clears the air in a positive way. You say what you really mean instead of trying to be "polite" and cover in it "nice" words.

Would I like it to be undone? Yes. I should have talked with Johanna first. BUT done is done, nothing can change what I have done and I just have to work from here to find what is right for me and the people around me.

Johanna, I miss you!

Waiting, one can wait for many things. The worst type of waiting is when you don't know when it is going to happen. Soon? Right now? Tonight? Tomorrow? When? I am currently waiting for a phone call that I am anxious to receive. I have already been waiting for two almost two days and about an hour ago I actually got a response that I would receive the important phone call tonight. Which I guess means sometime between 19:00 and 22:00.

There is a swedish saying that translated says, "If you are waiting for something good, you are never waiting too long." Well, what if you don't know what you are going to get then? I am a rather goal oriented person so even if an answer is negative I think it is better to get it as soon as possible instead of waiting forever. Sort of, put the horse out of its misery. Well, at least I know that am going to get the call tonight.

And I need new flowers on the table as well. They look a bit "tired".

Woke up around 09:30 and actually felt like I had slept enough for the first time in a long time. I stayed in bed and red a book when my dear friend Håkan called around 10:30 and wanted to check up on me. I really appreciate that, Håkan. Thanks!

Got up and ate two bananas for breakfast. Played with my new physical appearance change attribute for an hour and then left for the gym in high pace on my bike. Worked out a bit, took a walk around down town, biked to Kvantum and bought some food. Made lunch, ate on the porch, sat in the sun for an hour. Got to hot and went inside. Watched some movies. End of day.....

Now isn't that pathetic..... I have to get my act together and start doing something useful.

So yet another day has almost past.... I spent the evening by watching two movies at home, In Hell (Jack the Ripper story) and a Beck movie, The Last Witness. They were both rather good although the latter one had a rather heavy part about love and trusting people, that stabbed me rather hard in the chest and got me thinking again.

I feel like I have much more energy now than earlier today. Perhaps my blogging is actually helpful? By the way, I took of my wedding ring yesterday. It feels very strange not to wear it all the time, which I have done since april 2 1996. I met Johanna in december 1990 in the common room in her student corridor. She was watching TV and I said hello (which I did to all nice looking women) on my way to another friend in the same corridor. On the way out she was still sitting there and I wished her a merry christmas. Apparently, that made a strong impression on her :-) One of the strongest memories I have from the time before we actually got together was when I was going to visit here. It was sometime before lunch and I went up to the seventh floor where she was living at that time. I rang on the door bell, but no one answered. I waited and gave up after a while and just as I was walking towards the stairs she opened the door to the corridor. Her short hair was in a mess and she was wearing her favorite big baggy training suit, which she always wore at home before she had to throw it away because it was falling to pieces. When I saw here then I became so happy. So very very happy. Where did all that happiness go?

Later the same spring I got ill with a fever and she sat by my side and took care of me.

In may we went to yet another late night fancy dinner and dancing and got home around 05:00. This was the first time we actually realized how light it gets very very early during the summer up here and we had to put up a blanket to cover the window to be able to sleep.

Over the years we coined an expression that keep coming up every time we travel somewhere: "We are on vacation! What do we do? We walk!" :-)

A couple of years ago we invented a game called "Bubbla" (swedish for bubble meaning the VW beetle). Whenever someone of us saw a Bubbla we shouted it and counted how many Bubblas we saw during that day or week or whatever. I miss playing the Bubbla game with you!

We have shared so much together. And now it is all in the past!

I woke up at 0830, woken by the heating pipe guys working outside (again). I felt rather good when I woke up. Stayed in bed until 10.00 and finished my book. Got up and ate breakfast (Galia Melon) and talked with my best friend Jalle on the phone. He is leaving town for Ö-vik today to work some and to be with his girl friend, Ida. I feel so lonely, The house is very empty. I just spoke with Johanna and Tovah on the phone for 30 minutes. Johanna confirmed that she doesn't want to move back into the house in August. Tovah talked about people being angry and I guess Johanna has said that she is angry with me, it is quite understandable but it still makes me very sad. Where is my life heading...... alone in the darkness. I get so tired when I am sad. I also eat to much and I just stuffed myself again. Does it make anything better? No, I don't think so. Perhaps a cup of the will cheer me up.

I got a new toy today, a Canon IXUS 400 digital camera but I am to tired to play with it. Shortly I have to head into town for an appointment. At least that gives me something to do. I have been meeting up with Jalle almost every day since Johanna moved out and now he too is gone (well, not gone in the same sense as Johanna but still not in town).

When I asked Johanna about if she was really sure about moving to a separate apartment she said she was sure and that it was the best thing to do. I almost started crying when she said it though. I don't know if I want her to move back, but it still feels like loosing something essential in your life. We do have lived together for 12 years of which most of the time we did get along very well. Tired........

Perhaps I should just shuffle all my feelings down into the well and put back the big lid on it and just work instead. The weather is to nice to be inside though. NO, I shall not ignore my feelings. I have done that for so many years and it is time I stop doing it, even if it is painful. Ahhh, my chest suddenly hurts. It stopped but now I feel even more tired. My heart is pounding.

Alone in the darkness....

Ps. Writing this makes me feel better though.