DrPeppar: september 2003 Archives

I am a couch potato today. I am sitting here in the couch reading, surfing, looking at Tovah listening to her CD books (the type that says "boing" when it is time to turn to the next page). The rain is pouring down outside and it would have been a perfect day if it hadn't been for Freddie's funeral today. I cannot grasp that he has left this world, that I won't see him at the next management course occasion, he won't ask me how I am doing in hos truly sincere manner. He could like no other switch from being funny and cheerful to be totally serious and sincere. I have known him since December 2002 and he has really helped change (to the better). During the management course we have had four different coaches in the process but I Freddie is the one that I got closest to. Freddie's death is a real loss and it makes me very sad. Both from feelings that he had much to give in this world but also from totally egoistic feelings that he could have helped me even further in my personal development process. Freddie, I will truly miss you! I still remember the last words you told as you were heading to the taxi at Brändön. The wind was forceful and I was just getting ready to leave on my Spirit. I was standing there in shorts in about 10 degrees and it was raining. You and the other coaches were joking with me that you weren't envying me and my bike ride home. You were last in the row heading to the taxi and you turned around and said: "Call me if there is anything you want to talk about." Just then the wind caught my gloves that flew away and I ran after them for a few meters. When I turned around you were already getting into the taxi and I never really got a chance to give you an answer to your request. That was the last I saw of you....

Yesterday just before lunch when I found out about Freddie's death, I really lost all energy and I only allowed myself to be sad for a short while. I had a lecture just after lunch that I was preparing and I had to push on. I took my thoughts and feelings about Freddie's death and put them into one of my famous wells and covered it with a heavy lid. I haven't opened the lid until just now, when I am writing this. The lesson I have learned during the spring is that no matter the size of the lid or its weight, it will eventually let the thoughts and feelings out. And thus, it is better to open it now and handle the feelings immediately. In 35 minutes the funeral will start. One of my first thoughts yesterday when I found out about was that I have to attend. Unfortunately I am very far away but I will visit the grave the next time I down in Malmö. A white lily on your grave will be right...

It is hard to be sad when a happy 3 year old girl "attacks" you and giggles.... I guess life must go on, but death still is a strange thing and it must be one the hardest things to get used to and be able to ignore. Sigh, I feel really tired now, opening the well totally drained me. Cannot it stop raining so we can go for a walk? And I feel fat...

By the way. I have been chatting with Tele2 support today and as I guessed my fiber connection wouldn't work today after the 10 day period and Tele2 says that it should work and if it doesn't work by 17.00 today I should call support to verify my settings and potentially file a error report. Of course it won't start working, who would do anything on a Saturday without a serious error report to get them going....

Freddie....

One of the coaches in my management course has died. His name was Freddie Lyngeraa.

Here is the official letter announcing his death.
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Dear All

Orø, 25th September 2003

We are in great grief informing you that our loved and skilled colleague, co-worker and close friend, Freddie Lyngeraa has died from a serious stroke. Freddie was only 48 years old.

We, who worked together with Freddie, will miss being affected by his flaming presence, which made being together with him a mutually inspiring and intense experience.
He could melt an iceberg and turn a difficult situation into something positive. This usually meant that the roof was lifted from laughter - the warmhearted and respectful kind of laughter, which brought relief and a common willful energy to move forward. Few could match his ability to spread joy and trust into his surroundings. Few could match his generosity and helpfulness. Freddie's creativity knew no limits - he achieved what he wanted to. In his and Fusako's house and garden in Valby he unfolded his handicraft skills artistically and with great enthusiasm.

He was extremely successful in his work with development of leaders in Denmark and Sweden.
Freddie was an expert in making people believe in their own development possibilities. His personal talent was to transform individuals' and organizations' needs and wants to change into insight, action and success. Under his wings many got courage to move the limits of their own capacity.
He showed this in his work as a senior consultant, and in his work as a seminar and workshop trainer within Personal Management International (PMI), and as a teacher and trainer in The Gestalt Institute of Scandinavia (GIS-International). Also his colleagues and friends felt it.
Through the years he taught and coached leaders and co-workers from a long row of private and public companies and institutions in Denmark, Sweden, Finland and Estonia. He also taught students from the GIS-training program and countless people at GIS-seminars in the Nordic and Baltic countries. Everywhere his effort has left unforgettable professional, compassionate and ethical tracks.

His death is a great sorrow for all of us who had the fortune to know him.
Freddie's funeral services are held at Aalholm Church in Valby, Copenhagen, Saturday,
27th September at 2 pm.

On behalf of Freddie's colleagues and friends,

John Ewans Porting Jette Maja Porting Søren Ewans Porting

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Out of the four coaches from PMI Freddie is definitely the one I came closest to and his death strikes me very hard. Probably the first death around me in my whole life that really deeply affects me. I feel very sad about this....... I just feel like going out into the forest and sit on a stone....

Freddie, I will really miss you!!!

Today is my friend Lars-Erik Persson's birthday! Happy birthday!!!!!

I work in a duck pond, I really do!

The first effects of me announcing that I am leaving are approaching. The Media Technology major ("avslutning") alternative for the D-program is proposed to be removed. This year 5 faculty persons are involved in the major and when I am leaving AND we won't get a replacement before next autumn there would still be 4 faculty involved (with this years courses) but apparently that is not enough.

But what do I care... I am leaving and the vultures are already fighting over the left overs....

I woke up around 6.15, Tovah had slept all night without waking up once and she continued sleeping until 0830. I got more than two hours of peaceful reading.

After breakfast (she eats to little) we went for a walk in the wood, picking blueberries. We had a blueberry picknick at the end of the road (Vänortsvägen that is :-). It was quite warm in the sun. When we got home we had a delicious lunch on curry rice, bulgar wheat and chicken and bean stew. Yummy. Wow, it the time that much. We had to hurry. At 14.00 the magic story hour started down at the museum. It was quite funny but Tovah was devastated (for about 30 seconds) that she wasn't picked as a helper. Then we ate some crackers followed by more play both inside and outside the museum. When we got home it was time for cheese cake and the second part of Treasure Planet.

For supper Tovah ate to little again. How should I get her to eat more. I know, bread sticks in front of the TV. We are watching the movie "Hundhotellet" right now. Very good so far. From the creator of "Karl Bertil Jonssons julafton" and "Dunderklumpen", Hans Alfredsson. I just regret that I didn't record it.

I feel quite good and tomorrow J comes home. By the way, she called around 16.00 and that made me so happy :-) Love you!

i and Tovah have been home alone now for two days and I am totally beat. The reason is not that Tovah is demanding during the day but rather that she wakes up during the night and cries for mommy. The first night she woke up once and cried for 30 minutes but the second night she woke up twice. The first time she fell asleep after 15 minutes of crying but the second time she cried for about 45 minutes and nothing I did helped until she just gave up. This crying for mother is rather exhausting as that makes me feel unsufficient. This together with my current work situation makes it rather hard for me to sleep anything at all. Thus I am very very very very very very tired today.

Yesterday we went to the Norrbottens Museum together with Jalle and Ida. We played there for several hours and afterwards Jalle joined me and Tovah for lunch. Today we had planned to go down to the inauguration of the new bus stop (big thing in a small town) but we were to tired and ended up at home instead. The afternoon we spent baking, the results: one cheese cake, poppers and about 100 bread sticks.

Right now we are watching Bolibompa and I cannot wait until it becomes 20.00 so we can go to bed........

I am now home alone with Tovah. Johanna has gone to Norway for a few days (back on Monday lunch). Tovah and I are currently watching 102 Dalmations and eating cheez doodles.

I haven't had the energy to write much here the last days. I have been sleeping very badly and getting woken up at 7 by Tovah. For several nights now I have woken up around 3.00 to 5.00 am and then laying awake for several hours. The issue at hand is, where am I going from here. People around me at the division and at the department have been very supportive which is good. I haven't changed my mind about the decision, I know it is the right thing, but I am a bit of a coward being afraid of going out into unknown water. I am very sure that I have work (and after all I haven't resigned yet) no matter what I choose, but will that be something that makes me happy? I currently have two major leads, that are rather different. One obvious is of course me joining Marratech on full time, but I am not really sure I want to do that. I know I have created this situation myself, but it still makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

Yes, I know, relax, don't worry. Try to sleep. Life is to short to worry about such unimportant things as work!

Sleep tight everybody!

Earlier I have talked about a decision and it is now official so why not write it here as well. After 4 years employment as senior lecturer at LTU I have come to the conclusion that there just isn't any room for free research within the Swedish university system. Thus I have decided that I am going to leave my current position as research leader for the Media Technology group. I have not decided yet where I am heading from here and we will see what happens. I am of course very concerned for the people at the division and I don't just want to leave without a clear situation for the division's future, but at the same time I won't stay on forever. Jerker (by boss) didn't react too negative, almost as if he welcomed my decision.

I told Jerker before lunch today and the rest of my division in the afternoon and it is quite fun to see the different reactions I get from different people. One of my graduate students actually sounded very happy about it and some others went totally quiet.

The unclear situation for myself makes me a bit uneasy but I am certain that it will work out for the best. I have a few leads that I am working on right now.

Well there it is...

I am sitting here getting more and more indifferent about my mission to get a financial overview of the division's economy. I asked my admin about it almost two weeks ago and said several times in both speech and text what I wanted (one page in the end with plus and minus) but I get over and over excelsheets with tons of details that I don't care about. Today I sent her a template for what I wanted.

THis stuff really drains my energy.....

I has been a bit quiet here. Today, I have been doing what I like the best, create new things. I got almost the full day for fun stuff and only some boooooooring administrative issues like financial reporting had to be done. Got to meet with the replacement for my last division admin, who is leaving us on Monday. The replacement, Thomas is young and seems eager to learn. Hope it turns out good. The division needs a good admin.

This morning I woke up just before 5.30 (I checked the watch at 5.32) and Anna Lindt left us 5.26. That is a strange coincidence, isn't it? I feel a bit bad about waking up at 5.30 full of energy and stayed in bed reading until the girls woke up around 7. My current book about Arn, "Vägen till Jerusalem" is really good. Thanks Rolf for getting started on this one (again).

Spent the evening with J in front of the computer. We watched several episodes of 24 season 2 in a row. There is a lot happening in that series. Much more action than in series one.

Tomorrow, I will meet with my boss Jerker for a general future talk.... and in the evening I have a date night with J. Guess which one I look forward too?! Not that I dislike talking with Jerker, it is just that I don't care anymore about what he has to say. All big issues are still made his way independently of what others say around him. His way, or no way. Why are there so many people like that, especially in management positions?

Oh well, why ponder on such worldly issues when I can get into bed and dream myself away to the 12:th century and the life in "Sweden" at that time. Much more interesting than what is going on at LTU, like people complaining about the bosses (who me?), and trying to find scapegoats for the low number of students applying to the University this year.

J took me out on a date yesterday. We had shrimp and drank Strawberry cider (Swedish cider) and watched Legally Blond 2.

Thank you, it was very very nice :-)

Are people with a PhD better than other people?

Within academia there are many tasks that can only be conducted by faculty members. This is controlled by Swedish regulations but sometimes I get really upset when faculty members push the faculty requirement to hard.

E.g. what makes a fresh PhD that has been a graduate student for about 4 years more qualified to decide the content of a course than a teacher and researcher that has worked within the academic system for say more than 10 years? Another e.g. What makes a faculty member that is not really interested in teaching more qualified over a highly dedicated subject teacher ("adjunkt") or research engineer?

Shouldn't the best qualified person be chosen for each specific task? Cannot a graduate student with a specific knowledge be more suitable to decide what is supposed to be part of a course than a random faculty member? I think that in a modern and adaptive organization this should the case, or am I totally wrong?

I have a PhD... but am I proud of being part of the LTU faculty?

I am worried. Am I doing the right thing? Will my decision affect my work environment in the right direction? I really hope so. It looks very promising, but (there is always a but) what if it isn't the right thing? So I worry, but I guess I shouldn't. I have taken the decision and I shall stand by it, right? Right!

Anyhow.....

Johanna's back went out of order today so I got the honor of putting T to sleep today again (second day in a row). Usually we do it every other day and I was really surprised how easily Tovah accepted that I would put her to sleep today as well. It must be all my nice singing and my stories about the "Red Lava Bubble" from the lava lamp. Today the red bubble went to China by digging a whole through the earth and then moving in with a new lava lamp family, a blue one with glitter :-) T really enjoys those stories and I make it up as I go along.

During the evening I went for a cycle ride but only got a few kilometers before turning back. I just didn't have the energy and will and by not having that I got really cold.

After putting T to sleep I feel quite good actually. When I lye there besides her waiting for her to fall asleep there isn't much else I can do than to contemplate my day and my problems.

Tomorrow is my second lecture in SMD151. MBone and Scalable Media.